what a day

I am so tired today. I went in to work at 7a.m- of course there was a lot of work to do, and I made sure that it all got done, which really was not that big of a deal to me. I was rushing this morning and left my cell phone in Rebecca's car- that's my lifeline! Did I feel stupid- but at least my mom brought my phone to me at work, and all was well once again! Gene called me this morning, too-he sounded much better - it bothers me that he seems to hold back his feelings, being a preacher, it seems that he finds any emotion other than the good "christian" emotions to be bad. He won't even admit when he is feeling angry or out of sorts. God created us, including all of our emotions.Its healthy to be able to express how you feel, and to allow the feelings to be expressed in a healthy, productive manner. The truth is I love him very much, and I worry about him a lot. I realize now what I want to do with my life-I want to help people, to be a blessing to someone. I believe that exercise and physical fitness is good for the body and the soul, and that is what I intend to give, the legacy I intend to leave behind!

where there's a will ...God has a way!

Today has been truly groundbreaking for me. I realized that my compulsion to overeat is slowly but surely is improving- I am now able to fix a plate of food, eat a reasonable amount of food, and stop when I have had enough! that is nothing short of a miracle for me, because for almost 20 years, I have been turning to food to fill a void that never seems to get full. My heart feels free for the first time in my adult life. I now realize that if my Lord and Saviour is in control of my life, I must allow Him to move in my life, instead of trying to micromanage everyone and everything in my life. I have started working out again- and today it feels so good to be alive- body, mind , and spirit.

This is the day that the Lord has made,....

Sorry its been so long since I have been on. I have been really busy as of late. I have been slowly adding physical activity back into my day. Not too structured, because I know that, since I am compulsive by nature, I can quickly take something that should be healthy and positive, and turn it into something damaging.My goal is to spend time on the things that really matter in life. I have learned that no one is promised tomorrow, and all I have is today. god has blessed me with another day, so why should I spend it worrying about stuff that really, when you think about, doesn't add up to a hill of beans? I spoke to gene earlier today- he's ok, but has alot of stuff to do . I love him dearly, which scares me!

According to my faith.......

Today has been a really trying day for me. I had a fitful night, worrying about bills that I have got to pay, with no money to pay them. I told Gene, my boyfriend, that I needed hist be help, but I do not believe that he will. What worries me as well is that when I need him, he fails me, and I know that if he fails me this time, I don't know if I am going to continue on with him. I am past tired of giving my all, only to come up empty myself. I had a dream about my brother cleve, too. I was at work standing in front of the deli case, reaching down to lift something out of the case. As I looked up, he walked up to me and said, hey! Then he smiled at me and waved. At just that moment I woke up. For a while, it was as if he was still here with us, and that dreadful day was only a horrific nightmare- the day when osteosarcoma took his life. I miss him, and regret that I never told him how much he meant to me. Its a bitter pill to swallow, but I have learned to never, ever take the ones you love for granted. If you love someone , hold them near and dear to your heart,and make sure they know, without a doubt, that you love them. I am still a work in progress, but you can say that jami has grown up- its time to face up to life again, to stop living in fear and darkness. In time,I know that God will complete the work he has started in my life. Without understanding the "how", I know that I will recover from the need to kill myself with a knife and fork.

By the grace of God....

Today has been excellent for me. I did my yoga practice, Which took about 30 minutes- I also did some stretching with my elastic band . It felt good to do something productive and positive instead of sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I have been reading the Lifeline sampler and the oa book.Its inspiring to read about how others have struggled with compulsive over eating, and were able to get their lives back. I now understand that I do not have to live this way, and I don't have to let this illness consume me. I want to be healthy again. In the past, it was always for something or someone else- now I simply want to be well so that I can live and enjoy life again. To not be ashamed of how my body looks. As I said before, one day at a time.....

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel....

Its already a hot, sticky summer morning- the high today is going to be 105. I was so tired yesterday I did not exercise- but I also know that as a compulsive eater, I have the tendency to go overboard , so I have got to learn to love my body and to treat it with respect and kindness. I am truly blessed to have a chance to do better, to get healthy again. So many people don't- my brother passed away from osteosarcoma- he never had a chance . So , in my brother's memory, I will make the most of what God has given me.I am looking at have been settling for. i have been dating Gene for 5 years, when I know that I want and need more than he's willing to give me. I love him, no doubt, but I have to look at whether or not I could be happy with the relationship as it is. I am carrying so much anger and hatred in my heart toward people who have hurt/abused me, when the only person its truly hurting is me. Living this way is literally killing me- physically ,as well as emotionally, I am in so much pain every day. Its time to let go and let God take care of the rest.I feel like I am ready to face life again.

finding balance in uncertainty....

Today has been a funky day for me, mood-wise.I didn't have to go to work, which is always good.I did exercise and incorporated more movement into my day , which was my goal for the day. I am still really struggling with compulsive over-eating. I know that when I allow my feelings to get the best of me, i eat over it.What I have yet to figure out is how to change that habit that is causing so much destruction in my life. I am truly suffering because of my obesity , but yet I am slowly committing suicide with a knife and fork.